I have it all today
What I wished for at 21
Immediately after I passed college.
A well-settled life, a big fat wedding,
Money at my bay, servants at my command,
Luxury cars, sea facing bungalow, club memberships
I have it all a married woman can dream of
Yet I am sad and lonely.
I remember during my college days
Albeit my parents were liberal, I had restrictions.
I was answerable to them
Had to take their permissions
Today it has changed
There’s no one to question, no one to answer to
I should be on cloud nine
After all, this is what I wanted
But deep within I am broken into fragments.
Yesterday there was dearth of gizmos
Today I have Ipad, Iphone, Macbook, kindle
Refrigerator full of swiss chocolates,
Almirah full of teddy bears
Phone connection with unlimited talk time
I can afford any place to dine,
Can buy expensive French wine
Trust me all looks miserable & meaningless.
It’s not that I was forced into this union
I married someone of my choice
Someone I thought will roll it all for me
And he rolled.
We looked perfect couple.
We looked happy family after I bore children.
Today I have a family and nothing.
I am so empty, hollow, void…
It’s not that I have started loving someone else
It’s also not about sex
We do have sex
In fact I create scenario for frequent sex
Because that is the moment I cherish most
It’s THE time I get undivided attention from my husband.
That’s the ONLY time he belongs to me and only me
Rest of the time he is busy
Busy with work, busy with his hobbies, busy with his friends
Busy pursuing his passion, busy making money
And I am all by myself.
I have so much to talk, so much to tell
Ok, I am not ambitious and I don’t like to be another woman of substance
But I am equally human.
If I talk to my in-laws
They will label me complaining
If I talk to my parents
They will blame me for my choice
If I talk to my school friends
They will think of me as sulking
If I talk to ladies around
Oh! They will get another topic for gossiping.
Didn’t I talk to my husband?
He just hears, never listens.
Everything material I wanted is visible to me
Except that I am invisible to myself.
I vie for attention, communication
I always wanted a provider, now I am missing a companion.
It seems our relationship is only mine
And he is always emotionally absent
May be my priorities have changed
I want something more than luxuries
I want to be loved back.
But it seems we have lost our ways
Love is nothing to us more than a word
I always thought if you love someone
How can you leave someone?
Ours story will not be another happily ever after one
Pity, I love him
But I don’t want to grow old with him.
It’s time to call a stop to our love
The way I saw love at 21 looks so different at 35.
– Kumar Gautam