Absent in Love

Absent in Love

I have it all today

What I wished for at 21

Immediately after I passed college.

A well-settled life, a big fat wedding,

Money at my bay, servants at my command,

Luxury cars, sea facing bungalow, club memberships

I have it all a married woman can dream of

Yet I am sad and lonely.

 

I remember during my college days

Albeit my parents were liberal, I had restrictions.

I was answerable to them

Had to take their permissions

Today it has changed

There’s no one to question, no one to answer to

I should be on cloud nine

After all, this is what I wanted

But deep within I am broken into fragments.

 

Yesterday there was dearth of gizmos

Today I have Ipad, Iphone, Macbook, kindle

Refrigerator full of swiss chocolates,

Almirah full of teddy bears

Phone connection with unlimited talk time

I can afford any place to dine,

Can buy expensive French wine

Trust me all looks miserable & meaningless.

 

It’s not that I was forced into this union

I married someone of my choice

Someone I thought will roll it all for me

And he rolled.

We looked perfect couple.

We looked happy family after I bore children.

Today I have a family and nothing.

I am so empty, hollow, void…

 

It’s not that I have started loving someone else

It’s also not about sex

We do have sex

In fact I create scenario for frequent sex

Because that is the moment I cherish most

It’s THE time I get undivided attention from my husband.

That’s the ONLY time he belongs to me and only me

Rest of the time he is busy

Busy with work, busy with his hobbies, busy with his friends

Busy pursuing his passion, busy making money

And I am all by myself.

 

I have so much to talk, so much to tell

Ok, I am not ambitious and I don’t like to be another woman of substance

But I am equally human.

If I talk to my in-laws

They will label me complaining

If I talk to my parents

They will blame me for my choice

If I talk to my school friends

They will think of me as sulking

If I talk to ladies around

Oh! They will get another topic for gossiping.

Didn’t I talk to my husband?

He just hears, never listens.

 

Everything material I wanted is visible to me

Except that I am invisible to myself.

I vie for attention, communication

I always wanted a provider, now I am missing a companion.

It seems our relationship is only mine

And he is always emotionally absent

May be my priorities have changed

I want something more than luxuries

I want to be loved back.

 

But it seems we have lost our ways

Love is nothing to us more than a word

I always thought if you love someone

How can you leave someone?

Ours story will not be another happily ever after one

Pity, I love him

But I don’t want to grow old with him.

It’s time to call a stop to our love

The way I saw love at 21 looks so different at 35.

– Kumar Gautam

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Absent in Love

  1. Dormis Aeternitas

    love looks very different 35 than it does first time around. We’re totally blind about everything, then love gives us eyes then we see. Everyone wants to be loved, it’s a human need. good poem

    Liked by 1 person

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